Monday, April 20, 2009

Faith, Doubt, and the Single-Life

This is not intended to incite sympathy or pity at all. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about, as a single 26-year-old woman is occasionally allowed to do. I don't need empathy, either. Just thought I'd share.


That whole "I'm unmarried without children" thing totally sucks sometimes. Like, for example, when I went to Caitlin's baby shower. (Sorry, Caitlin! Don't feel bad!) All of her other friends had babies and two of them were pregnant with their second babies. Ashley and I were the only one's without babies, and she's at least married! I felt like I was so behind in the real world. What am I doing with my life? Why am I still alone? I know, I'm going to school, and close to a degree, so I'm not completely wasting my life away. And I'm active in the Church, fulfill my callings. I just don't feel like I'm really doing anything. And I am really, really baby hungry. And I want to have one the right way, besides having someone to help raise the kid! I want someone to share my life with.

I'm actually working on fixing my mentality about this whole thing. Hope and Faith are canceled out by Fear and Doubt. I have to let go of the fear that I'll never find a companion, and the doubt I have in myself. This is gonna sound kinda weird, maybe preachy, but here's what I've figured out (with a LOT of help from my Heavenly Father and my family): Alma 32 says to make a place in your heart to plant a seed of faith (in the word), right? Well, I've decided that I have to plant a seed of faith in myself. Faith that I can live a good life, married or not. Faith that one day, I will be blessed with a companion, and with children. Faith that it will happen in the Lord's time. Faith that He loves me and wants me to be happy, and so He will not deprive me of these blessings. FAITH. Not doubt.

I'm trying. It's hard. And it's new, so I'm still learning, but I want to be more faithful in my life, so that's my goal. I have to nourish that seed now. Consistant and faithful prayer, scripture study, fasting, temple attendance, etc. And I need to "forget" myself and "go to work"! I'm going to get myself into family history work more.

I think I'm writing this in my blog in hopes that (1) someone will read it, and (2) in telling, I've made myself more accountable.

The frustrating thing is that when it comes to certain things, my faith is so strong. For example, my dad was in the hospital this weekend. He's on a blood thinner to help keep his heart in rhythm, but it thinned his blood too much. It was a little disconcerting for about five minutes, but then I said a prayer and I just knew he'd be fine. Sure enough, he was home on Sunday, is taking Monday off to rest, and will be back to work on Tuesday. For some reason, I didn't even get too worried about my grandpa when he was going through his heart stuff. Sure, I was concerned, but I just knew everything would be fine. And it has been, so far. Why can't I channel that faith??

Anyway, if anyone has any advice about how to "keep the faith" please feel free to share.

3 comments:

Dox and Ash said...

I don't know if this is really "advice" but it might help to remember who it is who's telling you that you're behind in life. Provo, that's who. The rest of the world wouldn't bat an eye at an unmarried 26 year old. And who cares about Provo anyway? Lame! Oh, and you know who else is telling you that? Satan. He's not a very nice guy and wants you to feel like crap. Don't, 'cause it's not worth it. You never know why things happen the way they do. Maybe you're being prepared for him, or he's being prepared for you, or maybe he's not even here... how are you supposed to date and marry someone when they're not even in the same place you are?! Yay for being patient! I love you and I'm always here if you need someone to liten. (Sorry, that was kind of long.)

Caitlinp said...

It WILL happen. It will come. I agree with Ashley, Satan wants you to feel like crap. Don't. And it might help to remember some other things that are obviously good and that Heavenly Father wanted to happen that took maybe a little while longer than the people involved might have wished. For example, the blacks getting the priesthood. Or, Joseph Smith being told to wait four years to receive the plates and translate them. These are obviously good things that were hard to wait for and would impact all of mankind. This might not make it any easier, but you know that you're not alone. (Insert Michael McClean song here) I love you, Sarah. You can come share my baby if it will help!

SkyBluePink said...

I'm right there with you (and a little bit older, even) and one of the things that has helped me to build my faith in this area is the AMAZING book by Sister Kristen Oaks called "A Single Voice". It's very well written and fairly quick to read. Please, please go find a copy and read it. I felt so much peace by the time I was done that I try to share it with everyone that I know.

-Jen