Thursday, February 26, 2009

Prose: A Rant

Have you ever done one of those personality profiles for singles on those on-line hook-up cites? You answer all of these questions about what you’d do given certain circumstances--which is almost unfeasible for me since I don’t have a clue about myself--and the cite tells you what kind of person you are and with whom you’d be best compatible. They’re silly, really, and nearly impossible for me to fill out, but I can’t help myself. I’ve done so many of them, I can’t even put a number on it. If pressed, I’d say maybe five or six...or seven or eight. The only thing worse than trying to answer questions about what I’d do in certain circumstances is filling in those personal greetings they make you do. They usually end up sounding really cheesy:

“A little about me...
"Hopeless romantic. Drives me crazy about myself, but it's true. I'm easily swooned. I'm never sarcastic. Ever. Pretty organized; I find filing and cleaning very therapeutic. No, that wasn't sarcasm. Usually wear a smile and I laugh a lot. I love getting all dressed-up and pretty, but I really love pajamas. I come from a great family, born and raised in California.
"Basically I'm your average Miss Bennett looking for her Mr. Darcy, Hermione looking for her Ron, Bella looking for her Edward, Buttercup looking for her Westley, Anne looking for her Gilbert, Lafawnduh looking for her Kip...”

You re-think the list of couples, but decide maybe it’s funny. Then you get into all of your hobbies and pass-times. It starts to sound like a laundry list after a while, and there’s almost no way to make it sound otherwise:

“What I do for fun...
"Movies, especially dramas and action. Some favorites are Dear Frankie, Everything is Illuminated, 3:10 to Yuma, Lars and the Real Girl, the Bourne movies, and Sweet Land.
"Music, especially Indie, Rock, Classical, Jazz, little Country: Diana Krall, Ray LaMontagne, Jimmy Eat World, Tim McGraw, Elbow, Imogen Heap, Snow Patrol, Feist, Sting... eclectic, I know.
"Books, getting lost in fictional lives. Few favorites: the Grapes of Wrath by Steinbeck, the Lord of the Rings by Tolkein, the Kite Runner by Hosseini,, A Solitary Blue by Voigt...
"Homey stuff: crocheting, scrapbooking, cooking, baking (my specialties are French bread and pumpkin cookies).
"Walking. My favorite way to exercise! No, really.
"Like watching sports, but don't play. I'm not a big camper, but a happy one! I like going a few times during the summer. I love boating. I wish I could go more often.
"Spending time with people I love, no matter what we're doing!”

Then you go back and take out that part about walking and not being that into sports, and replace them with running and watching a few college football games in the season. And the book list is a little pompous, so you go back and add the Princess Bride by Goldman, the Harry Potter series by Rowling, and Austenland by Hale. You realize your movie list is a little heavy on the drama and those listed are mostly independent, so you go back and add the Dark Knight, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You leave the music list alone, though. If they don’t know who those artists are, they should be executed, I mean educated.

And it’s all in a pathetic attempt to win over some internet stalker, could-be rapist/serial killer. You send messages and chat through the singles-cite, maybe exchange email addresses. Some of them want to skip right to phone numbers. Some just ask right-out for a little non-committal make-out session. After weeding through the jack-asses, you might find a nice guy who’s really looking for a nice girl--not that! So you end up texting then talking for a little while before meeting (in a public place) for ice cream or hot chocolate. Then the shoe drops. He’s obsessive-compulsive. He’s not even close to as cute as his profile picture. “Average build” was code for 400 pounds. On the off-chance that he’s still good looking and of average build--and mentality--you agree to a second date. And a third. All of the sudden, you’ve got yourself a steady beau! Good for you!

How often does this really happen, though? I can tell you right now, it’s never happened for me. The furthest I’ve gotten with any of these scum-bags? A chat that went something like this:

“Wanna make out?”
You’re funny, too!
“I’m not kidding, haha…”
What possessed you to ask me?
“You looked fun, and you live close.”
…Five minutes later…
“So, do you wanna?”
Umm, as flattering as it is to be asked, no thanks.

Or the persistent messages from a forty-year-old father of four, the eldest child being ten whole years younger than me. “Come on, it’s not that bad.” Right.

Why is it I can’t find a decent human being to share my life with? Even the internet mocks me. I like to think that I’m a Minnie looking for Mickey, June Carter looking for Johnny Cash, Eve looking for Adam. It feels more and more like what I really am is Jessica looking for Roger Rabbit, Sharon looking for Ozzy Osbourne, Jane looking for Tarzan, Wendy Peffercorn looking for Michael “Squints” Palledorous. All of these couples were destined for failure, but they stood the test of time.

I don’t really care what kind of couple I end up in, just as long as I end up in one.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Just Cuz I Feel Like It::

Albums I've recently been listening to, over and over again, in no particular order...

Kutiman: Kutiman

Billie Holiday: The Millennium Collection

Imogen Heap: Speak For Yourself

Arcade Fire: Neon Bible

Sting: Mercury Falling

Diana Krall: All For You

Zero 7: When It Falls

Interpol: Antics

Johnny Flynn: A Larum

Damien Rice: O

Various Artists: If I Were a Carpenter

Blood, Sweat, and Tears: Greatest Hits

My Morning Jacket: It Still Moves

Elbow: The Seldom Seen Kid

Ray LaMontagne: Trouble