Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.
I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
A classic is something that everybody praises and nobody has read.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
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